Monday, 12 November 2012

The River Murders

Was at a loose end a couple of Sunday night's back and thought I'd have a go on me LoveFilm for a quick film. This popped up on the homepage - sounded interesting so thought I'd give it a bash. What a load of shit it was!!! Had the potential to be so much more but it simply didn't deliver. 

Disappointing to see that Ray Liotta, who I had a lot of love for in Goodfellas, has had a lot of work done to his face. Ray, Ray, Ray, take the aging process with a bit of dignity eh. He was also very weak as the main character. Some quite wooden acting that was lacking spark.

I'm not sure that I can say much more about it than that. A good one to watch if you're chatting to someone and don't mind missing an entire film.


This was an S&M Cinema Club outing. However, we shunned the usual drinks, dinner and cinema in Hebden for cinema then dinner at the new shiny complex in Halifax. I think that this will be the place where we see most films now. Obvs still try and support the independent cinema when we can but the length of films is so often a decider for whether we see one or not. They don't start until 20.15 every night at Hebden and this film, Skyfall, is over 2 hours long. That makes for getting home very late. Even later when the shitting trains don't turn up!!

Anyway, digression alert. I bloody loved this. We all know that Casino Royale was great and then Quantum of Solace was not very great. It's been four years since that. This had to be good else we'd have all lost our faith in Dan the man for playing The Spy Who I Would Like To Love Me. The opening sequence was perhaps a little too long, could have shaved a good two minutes off there - and I was a bit upset that the "body" going down the waterfall was quite clearly a dummy. They had the budget, they could have found a donor corpse from somewhere. Or at least blurred the water a little more post-production. I thoroughly enjoyed the credits. A cry back to the classic Bond openings. I initally wasn't enjoying Adele's Skyfall and while I still think that she could have gone more Bassey with it, it's a decent effort and a song that is currently being used as my alarm to wake me up of a morning. 

I'd like to say at this point that I did not enjoy the scene where he goes into the shower of the Bond girl, who I think said she was pretty much a sex slave, and just starts getting it on with her. What ever happening to chatting to a woman?! Jesus man, control yourself! It's a little bit rapey. However, having said this, I'm not sure that, if Daniel Craig got into my shower with me, I would be in a position to turn him down. What woman would?

Javier was a  great baddie. I enjoyed him campness and his accent/voice. There was almost a singsong quality to his dialogue and that together with his timid voice made him quite endearing. If only he wasn't mental and tried to kill anyone and everyone.

Final note - putting this out there for discussion really. My tea buddy at work suggested before I saw the film that M might stand for mother. Now, having seen the film she doesn't think that it does anymore but I, on the other hand, do! There were so many signs: Javier kept calling her "mummy" and "mother" when he was talking to Jimmy; the gravestone outside the chapel said "Albert Bond and Monique Delacroix Bond" (insane name); and then at the end of the film when M's on her way out she says to Bond "I got one thing right". Is she his mother?! Who knows. Throws it right out there to interpretation. People who I have mentioned it to since have agreed that it is possible but that perhaps it's more that she adopted a motherly role in his life. I hate not having answers to shit like this!

Oh an Ralph "Raph" Fiennes, what a waste as a good guy. After In Bruges he should only play evil men!

Pedro Almodovar-fest

I was loaned a boxset of Pedro Almodovar films aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaages ago by someone at work. Four films in there - Bad Education, Talk To Her, Volver and All About My Mother. I can't remember which order I watched them in, only that I was to watch Talk To Her and Bad Education last because they were the most morally wrong. Now, earlier in this little blog I posted about having watched The Skin I Live In (directed by Peter also) and I'm not sure that anything can top the moral depravity that took place in it!! Turns out I wasn't wrong. While there were questionable and raw issues raised in Talk To Her (doctor raping a coma patient) and Bad Education (abuse of boys at a Catholic school) - they were dealt with in a sensitive manner and not quite as vividly as the vajinoplastie times seen in The Skin I Live In. I thought that All About My Mother was going to be a bit incesty, which would have definitely overtaken The Skin... for creepiness, but Pedro didn't go there. Thank God!

Things that have come from watching these films:

1) I definitely concentrate more when there's subtitles. Obviously you have to because, unless you speak fluent Spanish, you won't have a scooby what's going on. When I was younger and first discovered Teletext/Ceefax I started watching all programmes with 888 subtitles selected. I did that for many years, still do it now sometimes. I find that I take more in that way - I'm absolutely terrible for remembering names of people when I'm watching the box, and I often miss bits of plot as a result of being so easily distracted, but with subtitles you don't have to listen, just have a quick read of the screen and beep! all necessary details absorbed into the brain. 

2) Penelope Cruz would get it. Her and Javier must have a beautiful child. I've never seen him/her. Wait a sec... yep, looks like a cutie.

3) Javier Camara looks almost exactly like someone who gets the train every day! It was pointed out to me by my fellow commuter a few months ago and after I watched the films I doubted his observations until the day came that we were sat bang opposite Javier non-Camara. Spitting image!!!!! It's uncanny. The flatness of his face and his eyes are so similar. Can't look at him now, freaks me out.

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Magic Mike

OMG - THE BEST FILM I HAVE SEEN IN AGES. Something which I must sincerely mean because I went all caps lock on yo' ass. Oh yeah I did.

Brilliant scenes. I'd seen Bret Easton Ellis twitterising about it the other day. He was harping on about it being quite dark under its fun exterior. Strip (geddit, cos it's about strippers, ha) back the outer layers and he was bloody right. While I spent a lot of the time laughing at the strippy bits, they were so cringeworthy, and some of the time swooning, let's not forget that I am a woman, I also spent a little bit of time feeling touched (oo er) by the story of Magic Mike. All he wanted to do was set up his customised furniture business. He went to the bank with a $13k downpayment for a loan or something but it got rejected because he had bad credit. He was stripping so that he could get some cash and also in the hope that mean Mr McConaughy would give him equity in the "male dance revue" club, which he didn't. And then to top it all off, he has to pay off some little shit's drug debt to the tune of $10k. BANG, there goes all his hard-earned cash. It was really heartbreaking because he's a good guy and he only wants to do good and do well for himself. 

Channing Tatum has never really been on my radar before. I don't think he's on it now particularly for his body but rather for his dancing. The man has got some serious moves. Ooph!! And, you should see what he can do with his hips. His wife is blessed. Fact. Watch this teaser trailer and you'll see what I mean!!

One bad thing about this. Matt Bomer. I had settled on him in mind for Christian Grey when the film comes out (yes I've read it, yes I recognise that it's a shit book, get over it). I'd even come to terms with the fact that he was gay. However, following this, I just don't buy him as a heterosexual. He had a few stripping scenes and a scene with a lady - could totally tell he wasn't into it. The search continues...

Saturday, 14 July 2012

The Woman In Black

First and foremost I would like to question what the hell has happened to Ciaran Hinds. Man alive he has let himself go. But four or five years ago I was lusting after him in Above Suspicion as the brooding DCI Langton, a tortured soul with a haunted past. Ooph. Now he's positively squidgy and completely sans ooph factor. Shame.

I went to see this with work, which meant another trip to the picture house. Let me tell you something about the picture house, it gets its films about three or four months after the rest of the world has had them. This means that for the big ones (like this appeared to be) the world and her civil partner descend like locusts. For this particular showing, it was the female teenage population and what a bunch of little oiks they were. Screaming at everything. Screaming at nothing!!!!! Daniel Radcliffe appears - AAAAAAHHH. The woman in black appears - AAAHHHHHHH. The camera cuts to a vase on a table - AAHHHHHHH. They were fucking annoying. They'd even brought blankets with them to cower under for crying out loud!! If being annoying was a crime they'd have been charged with going equipped to fuck people off.

So with that off my chest I would like to say that this left me a little bit juddery. I don't tend to buy into the whole ghosty paranormal type thing. It doesn't do anything for me because simply put, I don't believe in ghosts and can't connect with it. Things that could happen like human serial killers, anaesthetic awareness (I'm about to watch Awake) or Steve Martin freak me out. I don't think I was scared particularly about the floating around or the wild shrieking but I didn't like the looming shadow of her. I also didn't like it at the beginning when the children suddenly got up and jumped out of the window. Chilling. As I was walking back from the bus stop there were no lights on in any of the building and my eyes immediately flitted to our windows expecting there to be something or someone there. Alas, there wasn't. But that doesn't mean there couldn't have been. My fear was completely rational. Cough.

On a final note - Daniel Radcliffe... bleurgh.

Sunday, 24 June 2012

Uber film times

This weekend I have mostly watched Shutter Island, Source Code, Scream and Fatal Attraction. So far I am getting more out of the combined instant streaming subs than I ever got out of the stupid two discs a month thing. I think I'm going to end up keeping both subscriptions though as they both have stuff that I want. Wah.

Saturday, 23 June 2012

Shutter Island

This film is the reason I decided to go for a Netflix trial. Ive been dying to see it again since I saw it at the cinema. However, now I've started watching it I'm worried I won't enjoy it as much because I know the twist. I hope I do, I remember thinking it were right good. Yes, you read right. Right. Good.

Sunday, 17 June 2012


Ok, so I have signed up for the free trial of this. It seems that while LoveFilm entices you with a few good films that are included in the instant package, all the good ones are premium ones that you have to pay up to £3.50 a pop for. No thanks. There were a few films on there from The List that I will try and watch over the next month or so but depending on how Netflix goes I might cancel LoveFilm altogether and move to the dark side. What a ballache this is turning out to be. And I don't even have balls so to make my non-balls ache is quite the feat!

Saturday, 16 June 2012

Change of tack

I've switched from my somewhat redundant 2 disc a month LoveFilm subscription to the unlimited online streaming subscription. Somehow watching online seems more convenient than operating the DVD player. I've plumbed new depths of slothishness.

Monday, 13 February 2012

The Skin I Live In

O. M. G. Curveball or what?! This film was mental!!!!!! Twist centrale! You're sat there thinking, "Antonio, you weirdo, what you doing" and then BOOM it's all "woah woah woah, Antonio, you frigging weirdo, what the fuck you doing?! Settle down lad!" 

I don't even think that I can say anything about it because it would ruin it for all you non-readers out there. Fortunately someone at work has watched it so I have someone to let it all out to. Watch it people. Watch it.

La piel que habito

Buenos dias. I've gone all espagnol this evening and am in the process of downloading The Skin I Live In. I have a week of no hoosemate, no Bones and no money. Film enrichment it is!

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

The Rules of Attraction

Well, didn't I just enjoy this little tinker. Almost exactly like The Informers as I suspected, but set in school. Watched the last hour of it on the train yesterday morning, had to have it very much hidden throughout the journey although I'm sure as we went through tunnels, of which there are many, the sight of James van der Beek bashing one out will have been reflected to my fellow table sharers.

Pretty sure that the ending isn't the same as the book. Didn't Lauren and Victor end up together? Or Sean and Lauren? Think she got herself up the duff too. Could be making all this up though, I do that sometimes.

One of the best bits for me would be the introduction of Victor. Very clever a kind of fast forward introduction that both got all of the detail in while conveying the hectic fast-paced Europe times he was him. You know what that was right there people? Yes, film analysis. Claudia Winkleman can fuck right off, Rachel Higgins is in town. Yeah!*

Im giving it 8 on 10. Not one to watch in public though. Or with the rents.

*don't go too far claudia, sometimes I get ahead of myself and make wild assertions that I can't substantiate later.

Saturday, 4 February 2012

Biting the bullet

I decided to download it. Once it was in my mind I couldn't not do it.

Raging Bull - the saga continues

So, as we all know, I got this from LoveFilm in November. I still have it. Started watching it a few days ago and I just got bored after 40 mins. Thought I did pretty well sticking it out for that long. I made the decision to stop the DVD and send it back. Something which I have still yet to do. Can't bring myself to post it, partly because I can't find the blasted envelope to do so and partly because I will feel a little bit of a failure for not seeing it through and for not being able to legitimately tick it off The List. Talk about dilemmas. Help me!!!

The Informers

I'd recorded this thinking that it was The Rules of Attraction. I read that last year and reeeeeeeeeeeeally wanted to watch it. However, I was wrong. This was BEE's book that I do have but that I haven't read yet. Doi. Having watched it, I think that The Rules of Attraction is going to be pretty similar: lot of attractive young people, lot of drugs, lot of 80s music. 

I'm not really very good at catching names in films/tv programmes, I don't know why, they just don't stick. This proves to be something of a calamity when two people look pretty similar. I spent the whole time thinking that Graham was Bryan, lead singer of a band, and the main thing that I was confused about was how he managed to go out in public all the time and not be mobbed by people. Error. Wasn't until the end when I caught him being called Bryan that it clicked. So annoying. That's where reading the book first would have come in pretty handy!

I think that I would give it a solid 7 on 10 rating. It passed a couple of hours on a cold Saturday morning and was something that I would probably watch again if it was on. Think I might watch American Psycho this evening, keep the BEEathon going. Or rather start a BEEathon, I don't think that one film can really count as an 'athon'. But does two. Should I be watching three BEE films? But I don't have a third to watch. Unless I downloaded The Rules of Attraction, which I can't really be arsed doing at the moment. Oh God, when did life get SO hard?!?!?!

Thursday, 2 February 2012

There Goes The Fear

(500) Days etc soundtrack making me smile.

Regina Spektor
the cream of the crop... Hall & Oates!

Oh and kudos for Patrick: 

(500) days of Summer

Am just in the midst of watching this again. Had forgotten that it has one of the best post-sex scenes ever... And accompanied by one of the best songs ever!!! I hope one day I have funsies that great that I kickstart a flashmob synchronised dance in the park. One day.

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Raging Bull

This was delivered by LoveFilm when I first joined up, so in November. I haven't watched it yet. I plan to do this now. First, to the shower. It's not that I have to be super clean before I watch anything, it's that I shower on a night time because (a) we don't have enough water for two showers on a morning (something which a somewhat redundant excuse at the moment as my hoosemate is not here until next week); (b) I love my bed too much and find it impossible to get out of it on a morning, showering would only deprive me of those crucial five extra minutes in there. 

Child's play

I'm also playing that immature game of making parallel porn titles from real films. I find it passes the time quite well:

The C*nt of Monte Cristo
Ed's Got Wood
The Sperminator

That's not my best work - they've all emptied from my head unfortunately. Please feel free to comment with your own suggestions - keep it to film names. And I don't want no spam shiz offering advice on how to set up my own company using only a cushion and some polyfilla so leave it out


Classic bit of Bond here with my favourite Roger Moore. My reason for the post is to flag up something that delivered great enjoyment: when I was watching it I saw this bit [click le link] and thought "my god that crocodile's a shit prop, they could have at least filmed a real sedated one" and then whiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrr up pops the head and there's Roger!!!!!! Hellooooooooooo. Brilliant. I don't know how I've missed that bit before. It has easily made it's way to the top of my list of Roger moments - handsome pervert that he is. I told a friend about it and he came back with this "haha, what a legend! If im ever sneaking up to an island inhabited by hot women. Plastic motorised Crocodile with visor all the way!!". I defy anyone to not have the same reaction.

Tuesday, 3 January 2012


So I watched this over the festive period and found it ever so emotional for reasons which I believe are twofold: (i) I haven't watched it for years and it all got a bit too much, the emotions were already running high what with The Snowman impending on my viewing agenda; (ii) following the recent ferry trip to Bruges I could really empathise with those on board. Sort of.

I am somewhat comforted by the fact that the tears were not quite as intense as when I watched My Girl a few years ago for the first time since I was wee, my mother thought someone had died when she came home and saw me sobbing hysterically in the corner; "he can't see without his glasseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees." When I reach that level of emotion again, switch me off I beg of you.

Anyhoo, back to the title film, Titanic. This will be coming to cinemas near us in 3D soon, not sure that I will go to see. Firstly, I will cry and I would rather not share that with the public. Secondly, feels like James is cashing in a bit on the old anniversary of it. You've had your share Jimmy, now find another pie to stick your fingers in. 

Oh and, before I forget, the end of Titanic really grinds my gears!!!!!!! Why the hell was Rose hogging that piece of ornate wood? Jack was a wee slip of a thing. He could easily have hauled himself up there. And it would have made for a happy ending. Who doesn't love a happy ending? James "Fat Cat" Cameron, that's who. Knob. 

UPDATE - I haven't seen this in 3D but I've heard a whisper that the piece of wood appears to be EVEN BIGGER in 3D. ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!